Photo: Jeremy Burger

“Humans are the only animals that will follow an unstable pack leader.”

-       Cesar Millan, ‘The Dog Whisperer’

How many times have I followed an ‘unstable pack leader’? Try: My whole life! I bet I’m not alone either. Ever since I heard that quote a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been pondering what it means, and whether it matches my own experience.

Cesar defines a stable pack leader as someone who is what he calls ‘calm-assertive’, present in the moment, balanced, and consistently providing clear rules and boundaries. For dogs these are “exercise, discipline and affection… in that order!” He asserts that dogs immediately know whether someone is in that state by their energy, and can’t be fooled by words or the outer symbols of power that persuade us mere humans. I’ve recently become a fan of his show for that reason— to see him modeling that energy, and to learn how to manifest it more in my own life.

Looking back to my teenage years at a selective girls’ school, I remember teachers who commanded my respect. Although they seemed a little strict initially, they often also turned out to be great fun. In my mind, they were much taller than me, although I was a gangly teenager and must have been 5’10”. No one risked being cheeky to them. I knew that they were in charge. I felt safe: to learn, to have fun and to be protected from bullies— the kind who went for me, or the kind who went after them.

Not all teachers were as effective. When I heard that 4B had locked Miss Dunstan in the stationery cupboard one day, I was horrified and enthralled. I was so sorry for her, so appalled at their daring, so uncomfortable with the reversal of the status quo. With “Lord of the Flies”–type instinct and cunning, they had sensed her weakness, and gone after her en masse. She didn’t last much longer at the school after that.

Why do we follow an unstable pack leader, if it is against our animal nature? When I worked for Maria (not her real name), a singing teacher on a summer course in Germany many years ago, it was clear to me by the second day that she was crazy and a vicious bully. What kept me there, despite levels of stress that made me physically sick within the first week? The unwillingness to speak up for fear of bringing her ire down on myself? My discomfort with breaking my agreement with her and seeming unprofessional? The difficulty and expense of finding my own way home? Yes, all of the above… along with a conditioned belief that if someone else is upset, it must be my fault, and that I need to placate them at any cost.  I went out of my way to be pleasant to Maria…. yet Cesar doesn’t recommend showing affection when a dog (or in this case, a human) is unstable, as it only nurtures that state of mind.

Rationalization is another obstacle to observing clearly. For example, we may have a bad experience with someone, but decide that it is just a temporary aberration. When I was a child, my mother instilled the habit of looking for the good in others. Wonderful. What she didn’t know how to teach me was that some people are not well-intentioned at times, and how to deal with them when they are not. So, I was constantly trusting other kids, only to be disappointed by some of them time and again. On the other hand, men were not to be trusted… unless they were doctors. So I was too nervous to date, but unsuspecting when my osteopath made an unwelcome move on me in the middle of a session.

What if we could open our minds and just observe what is, without trying to categorize it neatly? For example, Rachel is kind and has a bad temper at times, or Mark is loving and has a tendency to be unfaithful. Not one or the other. Both. When we move out of a child-like desire to separate everything into good or bad, black or white, we can begin to open up to being present and learning to trust our instincts.

I’ve experienced several types of unstable pack leaders. There’s the neurotic or borderline leader, who is all saccharine sweetness one moment and a howling banshee the next. There’s the conflict-averse pack leader, who is unwilling to deal with issues amongst the pack. There’s the weak leader who wants everyone to like them, and will do anything to achieve that.  There’s the impulsive leader, always changing their mind. There’s the passive-aggressive leader who won’t tell you what to do, only point out what they don’t like once you’ve done it. And there’s the icy cold leader who is impersonal and punitive.

Luckily, I’ve also been fortunate enough to work with and for stable pack leaders- those who are willing to be calm-assertive, present, balanced, with clear boundaries. Mrs. McGarrigle, my second-grade teacher always kept control of our class, but also organized games and fun activities, and gave out treats at the end of the week to the class team with the best track record (exercise, discipline and affection work on little kids too!) Tom, my Alexander Technique teacher, peaceful, compassionate without ever being sentimental, clear about his role, available in the moment for whatever was needed. Mrs. Martin, our English teacher in high school, who despite being an eccentric individual who would never say “Good morning, Miss Ashton” when we all greeted the principal in unison at Assembly each day, and who told us all to read Mao’s “Little Red Book”, was a rock of stability in the midst of a sea of hormones. And my spiritual teacher, constant, strong, motivated by love, willing to be present with whatever shows up.

And so I find myself beginning to form an idea of what is needed to evaluate a stable pack leader, both from the challenging experiences I have had, and the splendid examples I have found. Here are my principles so far:

-       Tune in to your intuition.

-       Be open to seeing what is.

-       Be cautious about packs and their rules.

-       Be willing to walk away rather than staying involved with something detrimental.

-       Be honest about what is true for you, even if it is uncomfortable.

-       Don’t give over your authority to others. Be willing to take direction, but always check inside whether it lines up.

-       Don’t placate bullies- it only reinforces their behavior.

-       Be centered, calm-assertive, balanced, consistent.

-       Maintain clear boundaries (for example, business versus personal)

I realize that I’ve set high standards for myself here, and it may take a long time to learn to abide by these principles, but, honestly, I can’t wait to start!

I’ve been enjoying this blog for nearly a year already, as I find great value in being able to exchange ideas with other independent music teachers. It’s very easy to feel isolated, and it’s been interesting finding out how many of us have the same challenges and pleasures, as well as having the opportunity to benefit from new ideas and resources.

I’m going to be contributing ideas from the point of view of a life coach who is also a longtime performer and teacher, and I’m excited to have the opportunity to try out my ideas. Here’s a link to my first post.

“There is no doubt that the process of facing one?s self is hugely difficult, especially if, like many artists, you have been hurt badly or are very sensitive. I would wager that most people will never do it because of the enormous effort required and pain of the task. It is an odyssey.”

I agree with Michelle. Ten years ago, I was obliged to give up my career as a successful professional pianist owing to an ongoing health challenge, and it has certainly been an odyssey, trying to come to terms with the loss of my ability to play the piano for more than 20-30 minutes. Many friends simply saw it as an opportunity to change career, and were not aware of the huge impact on my whole sense of identity. Playing the piano was not simply something I did as a career. It was part of the very substance of who I was– or so I thought. Disentangling the threads of vocation, personality, and sense of self took much hard work and courage over many years. And skilled assistance.

Michelle was lucky enough to find a good therapist. I also worked with one for a number of years and still have my prized mentors whom I can turn to. Sometimes therapy is definitely the best choice.

However, many of the ongoing themes in Michelle’s life are ones which every music student faces. For example: How do I deal with constant competition, rejection, anxiety, jealousy? Negative self-talk when I’m performing? I’m feeling so stressed out that I’m not sleeping…. I’m not even sure I want to be a professional musician any more. Or, I have a great career, but somehow I feel numb, disenchanted, disillusioned…I’m not sure what my goals are any more.

When I was coaching and advising students at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama in London, often these issues were so present and all-consuming that they were interfering with practice, auditions, exams, professional successes. Yet, many of the students didn’t feel comfortable, for a variety of reasons, with approaching and confiding in their principal study teachers.

I became so concerned about these students, and so inspired to pass on the principles I had been discovering in personal development work that I decided to take a Masters in Psychology. I felt that I needed coaching and counseling skills in addition to my musical ones, in order to truly be able to serve these sensitive and gifted people.

These days, my focus in my life coaching practice is to first of all provide a listening ear, a safe, non-judgmental place for musicians to be able to share their thoughts, feelings and experiences, and secondly a box of tools to assist clients in getting in touch with their deepest values, clarifying their goals, daring to dream, and developing new practices, thought patterns and behaviors which move them where they want to go. It is truly possible to change limiting beliefs, eliminate negative mind chatter, become more self-accepting.

So I’ve moved from being in a state of shock and grief over my ‘lost career’ to a place of experiencing a new and fulfilling one. And Michelle, by her own account, is happier and more focused and motivated than ever and well on her way to a successful career. Thanks, Michelle for inspiring us all!

So I was completely taken aback the other day when I heard someone I greatly respect say that disillusionment can be a good thing.

However, when I stopped to think about it, I soon realized that there was something to it. The word dis-illusion-ment actually means the result of being deprived of your illusions. And an illusion is a misleading image, a misapprehension, a hallucination, something that deceives (thanks, Webster’s). My favorite definition is “a pattern of reversible perspective”. So looking at it that way, couldn’t disillusionment actually be a good thing? There is really nothing to be gained by being in a state of illusion.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you give up your hopes and dreams! Just that there are times when it can be good to accept what is, rather than beating your head against a brick wall. There can be a real place of peace in just observing where we are, of taking stock.

Then, when the time is right, comes the brainstorming; the opportunity to start afresh. Life coaching can be a marvelous way to cultivate a new sense of possibility, to make a fresh start, to reassess the options, to get back in touch with your creative spirit, to set new goals.

In the coming weeks, I’ll be offering suggestions on these topics –some practical ways to begin to move towards a more fulfilling life. But in the meantime, if you find yourself feeling disillusioned…. bear in mind that it could be the beginning of a whole new way of life!