One of the subjects she dealt with that struck me with great force was the difference between pain and suffering. The interpretation she chose to differentiate between those words was powerful. She described pain as being for example, an unwelcome event, an injury, a disappointment, and so on. And suffering is what we then do inside ourselves in response to that event.

For example, say we have an audition for a part in an opera that we really want. If we don’t get the part, the moment of finding that out may cause pain. Intense, unwelcome pain. But if the moment after that we start to say, “Why didn’t I get the part? Did they like that other soprano/tenor/baritone better? Maybe I’m not as good as I thought I was. Maybe I’m never going to get a part. I should have practiced harder. Maybe I should be with a different teacher. If only the accompanist hadn’t played that wrong chord just before my entry. That really put me off! Maybe it was what I was wearing. Maybe I’m too old/overweight/the wrong color/ethnicity/sexuality…”, this is where the suffering can begin. And it has the potential to persevere for a loooong time.

Of course it’s understandable that one might experience thoughts like these. And then the emotions have a tendency to follow those thoughts. It’s tempting to immediately blame oneself or others. However, when we begin to become aware of thought patterns like these, then we have a better chance of taking a different road.

What other roads are there? It can certainly seem strange initially to begin to explore other options.

“You mean I’m not supposed to mind or be upset? Am I supposed to be made of steel? Give me a break! Anyone would be upset!”

Well, it’s your choice. But here are some other options.

The Nurturing Option
“I’m feeling extremely disappointed. I really wanted that job. Well, I think I’ll take some time out to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day. I’ll ask myself what would feel nurturing. Hmm… a warm bath… a great book… a funny video…. a good chat on the phone with X.”
(N.B. Beware of wanting to numb out– sudden longings for large amounts of alcohol/chocolate cake/TV/shopping may block out the painful feelings temporarily, but they’ll just come back in the morning.)

The Observational Learning Option
“Well, I don’t understand why I didn’t get the job. Hmmm…I think it’s worth looking at what I did to prepare… maybe get some feedback from the panel/accompanist. You know, if I’m honest, I didn’t really know that aria as well as I thought. And actually it’s difficult for the pianist to sight read, so maybe I’ll take my regular accompanist along next time.”

The Underlying Intent Observation
“You know , it makes me wonder why I’m actually doing this? What’s my intention? Well, I want to be successful. Why? So people will like me? What’s the experience I’m actually looking for? Hmmm… self-expression. Well, how else could I find opportunities to express myself? Oh, there’s that dance class/stand-up comedy class/street festival/jam session I was thinking about doing…
(Yes, I know that opera is the thing that you love most, but you might be freer in the next audition if you are feeling creatively fresh and juiced up!).

In my experience, there is a good chance that if you try one or more of these options, your pain may still be there, but hopefully your suffering will decrease. It may take great perseverance, as our habitual reactions can be hard to eradicate, but change is certainly possible. Bon courage!

I was completely stunned by two video excerpts I saw yesterday on the ubiquitous youtube of Dawn Upshaw singing Messiaen‘s “Saint François d’Assise”, directed by Peter Sellars. (I’m indebted to Alex for posting one on his blog).

The excerpts show the rehearsal process, Dawn’s valiant struggles with the virtuosic music and Peter guiding, encouraging and sometimes being extremely exacting with her.

At times, Sellars appears to be making excessive demands– why on earth is he asking for such elaborate postures and insisting on such a precise quality of movement when the music is already so taxing? Can’t he see that just singing the piece accurately would already be plenty? As a coach myself, I’m an advocate for sensitive treatment of singers, and was at first perplexed.

However, because I have already experienced how gifted Sellars is a director, I was willing to look deeper, and became increasingly aware that beneath the jovial yet meticulous exterior are a heart, a psyche and an imagination that are truly extraordinary. He has realized that by making the singer focus on something else just at the moments that are most technically demanding, she is thereby distracted in such a way that she completely opens up and her singing becomes transcendent.

As he says, “I usually try and build around something the artist doesn’t think they can do, and that’s where you center the entire performance, because then every night, when the artist does do it, it’s miraculous and beautiful”.

This can only happen because the two obviously have such an intimate relationship, built on years of working together. I have the feeling that Peter knows, trusts and loves Dawn more than she does herself. He can see the magnificence of which she is capable, and dares to push her until she has the breakthrough and finds it. This is truly great work.